Where in the world has the time gone?!
As I'm sure some bloggers can relate, it can be difficult to keep up with blogging -- I know I find that if there's a whole lot to be shared (as is the case right now!), I become overwhelmed at the thought of writing a longer-than-normal post and chicken out for a while. Then I realize how shameful my blogging behavior really is (wink), and I put my nose to the grindstone and write what's on my heart. Can any one of you relate?? :)
Blogging can seem like such a simple thing...and sometimes it is. Some posts are
very easy -- just write a couple words, upload a quick picture if you like, and press publish post. It's easy because you don't have to give of yourself -- you don't have to bare your heart to anyone; you don't have to 'be real', if you know what I mean.
And it's safe. But, no one gets blessed -- on either side.
There has been so much going on in my life right now -- the Lord is really working on my heart, showing me many places where I've been really wrong. One of the most important things He showed me was my terrible lack of communication with Him. I mean,
real communication! Sure, I prayed often. But how much time did I really, really devote to things of the Lord -- reading, praying, interceding, confessing, searching, asking, crying out, and simply being still before Him?
One of the things that really began the conviction process in my heart was something I found in a friend's blog archives:
8 reasons why I have devotions: (and why you should, too!)~Communion with God~Purification of my heart and life~Restoration of my soul~Instruction in the ways of God~Submission to God and His will~Direction for my life, my relationships, and my responsibilities~Intercession on behalf of the needs of myself and others~Transformation into the likeness of ChristWhen I saw this, the very first thing I thought was,
I want this too. I want this. This is my heart's utmost desire.
That first one,
communion with God, especially pricked my heart. I know that, though the Lord has been working on me dilligently these past couple weeks, I still have a humongous amount to learn about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. One of the things He's impressed upon my heart is the fact that I need to develop the...how shall I say...not
skill, per se, but -- ah. The
habit of not only
talking to Him, but also
listening to Him. This is so vital -- it cannot be a a one-way relationship! We are His children -- how do we ever expect to learn anything if we don't
listen to Him?!
And here I will quote from my Journal...
"......I want to hear from You, Lord -- I don't want to have a one-way relationship with You. I want to talk to You AND listen to You, always. Listening to You, although, does seem foreign and scary to me, because so often before I would try to listen to You and would get no response. In my head, I know that it wasn't that You weren't listening to me, or that You didn't want to or wouldn't speak to me, but my heart still feels shy about listening to You, because my heart still "feels" like You won't speak to me, although I "know" that's not true." (--October 29th, 2008--)
...And this is
exactly how I feel. I remember many times when I was younger I would try to sit there and "listen to God".
Nothing.
"Lord, I need You to speak to me!"
Nothing.
Whatever it was in my heart that was blocking me from hearing the Lord's voice, I don't know. Or maybe it wasn't even that...perhaps He had another form of speaking to me right around the corner other than
right then, speaking to my heart. Sometimes that's just not the way He works. I need to remember this! :) I can't always have what I want when I want it, as much as I'd like to...(grin)
I find most often He speaks to me through an idea (that I don't recognize as something from Him until later), or something someone else says to me that I know is a message from the Lord because of the timing and importance of it, or something will jump out at me straight from His word. That has happened to me, and blessed me greatly, so many times! :)
And again, a little something from my Journal that puts into words how I was feeling for quite a while...
"......Lord, my heart is dying. It's dying. Sometimes I feel like everything I ever stood upon, everything I ever stood for, everything I ever believed and held on to is slowly, and at times, quickly, slipping away from me. I don't know what's right anymore -- I mean, as far as what specific things in my life and mind and heart are, 'right', or 'wrong'? What's wrong with my heart? What is it that's making my life so difficult and miserable? What is it? What's wrong? What am I thinking, saying, feeling, doing, that's cutting me off from You? Why can't I, as Mom was saying today, live a life pleasing to You and blooming and blossoming with Your Love? Why can't I live to Your glory? What's wrong in my life? What? Who? Why? When? Where? How? I need answers, Lord! I need the light of Your love to flood into my soul!.......Lord, I want it to be different! Please help me! I want to shine for You -- I want to be Your Light and Your Love to this world. And I also want to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ." (--October 21st, 2008--)
"How can a young man [or woman] keep his [or her] way pure? By living according to Your Word....My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life....Save me, for I am Yours;....May my cry come before You, O Lord; give me understand according to Your Word. My my supplication come before You; deliver me according to Your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of Your Word, for all Your commands are righteous. May Your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen Your precepts. I long for Your salvation, O Lord, and Your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise You, and may Your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek Your servant, for I have not forgotten Your commands." (Psalm 119:9-176)This is my heart's cry, oh Lord!
The Lord is truly responding to my heartfelt cry for Him to break me of my pride, show me my sin, and help me to walk closer to Him. My eyes are being opened; I'm beginning to truly see my sin for what it is, and to see how much I really do need the Lord, although my sinful pride does not
want to see that. :)
I pray that the Father will continue to work in my heart as He's been, and that I will continue traveling to new places in my relationship with Him. I pray that new things will continue to happen, that hearts and lives will continue changing, refreshing, reviving, renewing. That, with our hand in His, we will continue to work out our Salvation "with fear and trembling", and that we will be very sensitive and alert to His call and leading. This, and so much more, is my prayer and desire.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)
WOW!!!
