Sunday, October 14, 2012

Living for Him?

Am I living my life for His glory?

That is one of many questions that have been bouncing through my head as of late. And when I say bouncing, I don't mean a slow, rhythmic bouncing up and down, up and down. I mean bouncing off the walls kinda bouncing. Tumbling, rumbling, cuttin' the rug, tearing through. Hyper -- like just-drank-five-espresso's kinda hyper. The kinda thoughts that won't let you rest. Won't let you read. Won't let you write. Won't let you sleep. Won't let you even sit still half the time. Yeah, that's me lately.

I am grieved.

Am I living my life for His glory?

Theoretically, I may be. But, pratically -- tangibly -- nuh-uh. I know the answer. And the answer is a big, fat NO.

And that makes me sick.

I know we as human beings can't expect perfection from ourselves. At least, not on our own strength. But I know that through the strength of the Lord, there is a lot more I could be doing. A lot more I could be dedicating to Him: of my life, my time, my money, my energy, my attention, my LOVE. Most importantly, my love.

I need His strength and His wisdom, an outpouring of His Spirit. I need Him. The flame in my heart needs re-kindling...and I'm trusting Him to take care of that.

I live for myself. That is a fact. As humans, we all do to one degree or another. But speaking for me -- I am SPOILED. Spoiled rotten. Comfortable. Pampered. Sleek and lazy in my spirit, like a fat cat napping in the sunshine. I think about me all day long -- how to pleasure myself and my pathetic flesh. Being too hard on myself, you say? I think not.

I am still searching for wisdom, and especially for balance, in all areas of my life.
I know that I personally have a tendency to see everything as either black or white. I have a hard time understanding the concept of gray areas. Which is good, in a way -- but it also can present some stumbling blocks.
I am very prone to treading the path of legalism. At the same time, however, if I don't completely understand something that I believe God requires, I can tend to flat-out rebel against it because I can't find a balance.
So I am usually going extremely one way or extremely the other.

It's frustrating, to say the least.

I'm trying to learn to take it one step at a time, one day at a time -- one moment at a time. To obey Him as far as I understand, and accept His grace when I veer off the way (in either direction). I don't completely understand grace at this point in my life. I'm trying to. I want to. And I know that He will be faithful to reveal it to me as He so desires. But in the meantime, it does make some things in life life rather confusing.

Anyway, back to my beginning point.

I think it's safe to say, I don't understand sacrifice. I don't understand what it is to die to myself, to live for others -- and most importantly, to live for God. Frankly, I think there is a very small percentage of people who truly do understand these things. Oh, Father in Heaven, let me be one of them. That is my heart's desire...

I want to know His love in a way like never before, and share His love like never before. I want Him to show me where He wants me to place my love. Where He's asking me to pour it out. What He would do with it. I don't want to love me anymore. I want to love HIM!

Just some thoughts.

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