Thoughts to ponder, at both the close and the beginning of a year...

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain -- the impalpable principle of life and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature; whence it came it will return, perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man -- perhaps to pass through gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend? No, I cannot believe that: I hold another creed, which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention, but in which I delight, and to which I cling, for it extends hope to all; it makes eternity a rest -- a mighty home -- not a terror and an abyss. Besides, with this creed, I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime, I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last; with this creed, revenge never worries my heart, degradation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me too low; I live in calm, looking to the end."

--Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

Living for Him?

Am I living my life for His glory?

That is one of many questions that have been bouncing through my head as of late. And when I say bouncing, I don't mean a slow, rhythmic bouncing up and down, up and down. I mean bouncing off the walls kinda bouncing. Tumbling, rumbling, cuttin' the rug, tearing through. Hyper -- like just-drank-five-espresso's kinda hyper. The kinda thoughts that won't let you rest. Won't let you read. Won't let you write. Won't let you sleep. Won't let you even sit still half the time. Yeah, that's me lately.

I am grieved.

Am I living my life for His glory?

Theoretically, I may be. But, pratically -- tangibly -- nuh-uh. I know the answer. And the answer is a big, fat NO.

And that makes me sick.

I know we as human beings can't expect perfection from ourselves. At least, not on our own strength. But I know that through the strength of the Lord, there is a lot more I could be doing. A lot more I could be dedicating to Him: of my life, my time, my money, my energy, my attention, my LOVE. Most importantly, my love.

I need His strength and His wisdom, an outpouring of His Spirit. I need Him. The flame in my heart needs re-kindling...and I'm trusting Him to take care of that.

I live for myself. That is a fact. As humans, we all do to one degree or another. But speaking for me -- I am SPOILED. Spoiled rotten. Comfortable. Pampered. Sleek and lazy in my spirit, like a fat cat napping in the sunshine. I think about me all day long -- how to pleasure myself and my pathetic flesh. Being too hard on myself, you say? I think not.

I am still searching for wisdom, and especially for balance, in all areas of my life.
I know that I personally have a tendency to see everything as either black or white. I have a hard time understanding the concept of gray areas. Which is good, in a way -- but it also can present some stumbling blocks.
I am very prone to treading the path of legalism. At the same time, however, if I don't completely understand something that I believe God requires, I can tend to flat-out rebel against it because I can't find a balance.
So I am usually going extremely one way or extremely the other.

It's frustrating, to say the least.

I'm trying to learn to take it one step at a time, one day at a time -- one moment at a time. To obey Him as far as I understand, and accept His grace when I veer off the way (in either direction). I don't completely understand grace at this point in my life. I'm trying to. I want to. And I know that He will be faithful to reveal it to me as He so desires. But in the meantime, it does make some things in life life rather confusing.

Anyway, back to my beginning point.

I think it's safe to say, I don't understand sacrifice. I don't understand what it is to die to myself, to live for others -- and most importantly, to live for God. Frankly, I think there is a very small percentage of people who truly do understand these things. Oh, Father in Heaven, let me be one of them. That is my heart's desire...

I want to know His love in a way like never before, and share His love like never before. I want Him to show me where He wants me to place my love. Where He's asking me to pour it out. What He would do with it. I don't want to love me anymore. I want to love HIM!

Just some thoughts.

It's been a long time!

WOW.
Wow! Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow!

I can't believe it's been a year since the last time I've posted!

I've started numerous posts, especially in the last couple of months...but the time has just never seemed right. I haven't been able to share everything on my heart the way I've wanted to. And I still can't, exactly. But I would like to at least share a little bit of what's been on my mind lately and what's been happening in my life -- if for no other reason, to make some people, that I haven't had a chance to keep up with on a week-by-week or month-by-month basis, aware of where I'm at and what I'm doing.

It would be a complete understatement for me to declare that a lot has happened in one year.

It goes way further than that.

In a multitude of ways, and for a plethora of reasons -- I am literally not the same person I was last year. I'm just not. It's a whole new day, and a whole new game...God has done things in my heart in the past 365 days that I couldn't have even imagined. And yet, He always has been and always will be so far beyond what our finite imaginations can conjure up, yes? Yes. He is. He really is...

Things have happened in my life, in my heart, in my family...nothing is as it was. Except for God. Only He has been sure, steadfast, and unchanging.
And even then -- no, He hasn't changed. But my perspective of Him certainly has. I have never seen God or understood Him to be as I do now. I'm not even sure what was "wrong" with my previous perspective. But I know it's changed now...I see Him with a degree of reverence and Godly fear and awe that I never knew existed. He is not "just God" to me anymore...He is the Creator of heaven and earth, of things I don't even understand...He is Lord of all, of every thought and life and joy and sorrow. He knows all, He is everywhere, and He can do anything. There aren't even words fit to describe Him. He is GOD! What else is there to compare Him to?

Praise His Name!

At any rate, I have much along those lines to share -- but in the meantime, I'd like for you all to know what I'm doing right now...why I'm so busy, and have a glimpse of what's happening in my life (on the outside, anyway [smile]).

I have spent much of the last two months (and all of the last 2-1/2 weeks) with a family located approximately 2-1/2 hours northwest of us. They are dear friends of ours...we have known them for quite a few years now! Currently, the mama of the family is very soon due with her 8th child (and her oldest is only 13!), and they are needing some help right about now. :)  It's been a joy spending time with them...I love this family! <3
So, yes. I am busier than...than...well, than I ever have been! :)  There is always someone needing something -- a dispute to resolve, an owie to bandage (or kiss!), a story to be read, a game to be played, a meal to be made, an area to be cleaned, a kiddo to cuddle, a conversation to have, confidence to build up, baths to be taken, promises to keep...and in the meantime, the great outdoors and the spring air and the sunshine are SCREAMING our names! :)  (That has been wonderful indeed!)

So for those of you who are wishing I'd have a bit more time to spend with you in some way (you know who you are) -- please know, I miss you big time too and I truly want to spend time with you. But right now, I have to have priorities. I know you understand, and are gracious about it...but I want you to know I am NOT putting you off. I am truly so busy most of the time, I hardly have a moment to breathe! :)  Though that poses its challenges, it is also truly a delight -- not to mention excellent practice for whatever other callings life and the Lord may bring.

So between all the extreme busy-ness of my day-to-day life right now, a large chunk of the little spare time I have is eaten up by "inside work" -- things the Lord is doing, miraculously, wondrously, beautifully and mightily in my heart. And in the larger scheme of things, this IS the most important thing in my life right now -- this needs to be (and most of the time, I hope and believe it is) my very top priority, above all others. More on that later!

So while I love all my friends dearly, and I miss you all too!, I am in a season of life right now that does not allow for much free time to laugh and chat and "catch up". I am praying for each of you, though! I love you TONS!

(Also, I forgot to mention -- another thing that has kept me on my toes [or off of them!] has been sickness. All of the children, except for one, in the family I'm helping out [the Christenson family] have come down with strep throat in the last week or so, and so that was pretty hectic for a bit! But this winter has been a really rough one for me as far as health. I have been sick over a dozen times in the last few months, with a couple episodes being very severe. This too has added to my list of things that had to be backed up and postponed, etc.)

So, all in all -- God is working in a huge way, and I am excited and content with where He has me right now. Much has changed, and I'm sure there will be much more to change as time flies by. But now y'all have a little taste of what's been keepin' me -- umm -- BUSY!!! :)

Don't forget -- you're in my prayers. And I covet yours as well.

Blessings to each and every one of you, in the Name of Jesus Christ.